“Lord, I’m going to believe you’ve given me your Holy Ghost. I believe he alone can deliver me from every chain that binds me. I believe he will convict me, lead me and empower me to overcome. I believe he causes me to obey your Word. And I believe he will never depart from me, nor will he let me depart from you. I won’t limit your Spirit in me. I’ll wait on him, call on him and trust in him—live or die."
"Again he said unto me, Prophesy upon these bones, and say unto them, O ye dry bones, hear the word of the Lord.” Ezekiel 37:
The best way I know how to describe myself apart from Christ is as dry bones... I have no way of moving, no way of making any difference in this world, no strength, no face, no identity. I am a pile of dry bones apart from His thirst quenching spirit. Words cannot express how grateful I am that I don't have to live that way. As long as I stay out of the way, my life is fulfilled, and my destiny is complete.
I have a friend that sees people in a very unique light. He sees them as rivers and ponds. Rivers, he says, are those very adventurous people that live exciting and and flashy lives. Those people who go with the flow and stay within the confines of what is expected of them. He sees ponds in a similar way, however these ponds are the home bodies. The people that have those inner circles. They have their jobs, their families and friends. They have a home. And then, he sees himself as waves. (: He's a pretty cool guy. He doesn't like being confined to ways of the rest of the world, and to an extent, this is a very cool comparison that I admire him for. However, of course, I would see it differently.
I see rivers and ponds in a much different light. Pond, or lakes, or even oceans for that matter, stay in one place. They have their place, and they stay there. The tides may rise and yes, they too have waves and are capable of eroding the surrounding land around them, but they are not moving. On a boat, you are able to propel yourself from one place to the next, but it will not ever take you anywhere you want to go. On a pond, or a lake, or the ocean even, you are aimless.
Rivers, though... (: Rivers are a different story. Rivers can be peaceful or raging. They can be both soothing, and exciting. One thing is consistent when it comes to rivers though, they are always moving. They are always doing, changing, and pouring. The one thing Ryan said when he was discribing a river that I don't agree with is that they stay within their confines. They have perimeters that they must abide by. "Don't challenge the status quo!!" Negative. Sorry. That's inaccurate. Rivers do not stay within certian lines. Well, okay to an extent they do, but according to my 8th grade science class rivers tend to cut through land that is in it's way. Say it's just flowing along, and then BAM it has to circle all the way around this chunk of land to keep on flowing because that's the path that was already there. However, over time the river will find it's way across the land instead of around it. It will grow smarter adjust to make a new and improved way. Rivers are alive, effective, changing, passionate. Most of all, they are with purpose. They are unlike their bother bodies of water who are aimless. They have a definite direction. They have the power to carry things and people on their shoulders. They are also always pouring into the lives of those bodies of water and quenching their thirst. Rivers are incredible things and I hope that if I had to be labeled as one, I would be a river. (:
As for waves. I know Ryan sees himself as waves, and I understand why, but I don't see waves the same way he does either. I see waves as the Holy Spirit. We are the water, God is the wind, and waves are the result of the two interacting with one another. A still pond without a ripple in sight is beautiful and alluring, but it does nothing. It has no effect on it's surroundings. No purpose. A constantly rippling and waving river, now there is a different story. (:
So, that's it. Those are all of my thoughts on that.
Love, Me <3
Thursday, June 30, 2011
So, here it goes.
I'm so done. I'm done waiting, done wishing, done hoping, done planning, done loving you will all that I have, done letting you drag my heart around on a string, done playing this ridiculous game, done pretending that everyday apart from you doesn't kill me, done acting as if I don't care just so I don't seem insane, done letting everyone else tell me what I should and shouldn't do, done freaking out over the stupidest things, done over-analyzing, done with wanting to be someone I'm not, done with rushing the time that I'm given, done letting my heart be weighed down by the sorrow of this world, done expecting people to be fair. I'm done with a lot of things...
However, I'm not done loving my life and all the wonderful people in it. I will never give up on the endevors of my heart, and the people around me that mean the most. I won't lose faith or hope. I will not.
Only by the grace of God am I able to stand on His words.
Sincerly, an awakened Rachel. <3
However, I'm not done loving my life and all the wonderful people in it. I will never give up on the endevors of my heart, and the people around me that mean the most. I won't lose faith or hope. I will not.
Only by the grace of God am I able to stand on His words.
Sincerly, an awakened Rachel. <3
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Today has been pretty close to hellish is I do say so myself.
And yes, I'm going to blog about it because there isn't anyone aside from my mother who could bare to listen to be grip about it. And even at that she didn't really discuse it with me, she just sypathized and moved on to other topics. Well, I'm not done gripping. So here it goes.
I woke up this morning alone in my grandparents big house because for one, they are out of town and need someone to look after a few things, and for two our electricity went out last night after the hail storm (the same hail storm that beat up my little car, mind you). So, I'm already a bit shaken up, right? I get a text early that morning from my Preachers wife asking if either I or my sister would be avaliable to watch her children from 11-3. So of course, me being the stupid person that I am a lot of the time don't think much of it. I don't really want to watch them, I've got other things to do, but Jessica isn't busy. I'm sure she'll do it. So I make my way slowly into consciousness and go out and feed the horses and brush them and talk to them a little bit. Get in my car and head for home. The time is about 10 now, right? On my way home I get ahold of Jessica and, wait, what?? She doesn't want to babysit??? Oh okay, well I guess that leaves me. But I have to be at work at 3, I can't stay till 3. Just can't. So I call Emily and give her the gist of things. She tells me that I can watch Jeannies girls (Jeannie being Emily's sister) ainstead because they are both going somewhere and I live right next door to them. But she needs me to be there 30 minutes earlier now... Which is 30 minutes from now. I haven't had a shower yet, or eaten anything and I'm still trying to get home! She does tell me that Jessie can probably come over at around 2 so I can leave and have plenty of time to get to work so I'm not worried about that anymore.
Alright so I get home and my mom is there and she just starts talking up a storm as always, not thinking anything of it. (And I wonder where I get it...) And then all of a sudden, I only have 10 minutes to do anything I need to do before I have to be over there. Alright, well if I'm going to be home by 2, that'll give me enough time to shower before work and stuff right? I mean, I'm right next door. So I decide to make myself some breakfast instead. Good decision.... I make an egg sandwich and a cup of coffee and take it over there with me because I don't even have time to eat it at home. So I walk over there and the day really gets kicked into gear. These kids are precious. I love them a lot. (: but I tell you what, they were a hand full. The oldest, is still pretty young and she was playing sick. She was really sick the day before but she was just recovering today. However, she laid on the couch. All. Day. And made me do EVERYTHING for her. She talked me into letting her have two popsicles and I took her temperature three times. They all said 98 degrees... She didn't like anything I cooked for her because it wasn't how her mom did it so it couldn't be right. And she watched a terrible puppety version of Dr. Suess all day. The younger two were super cute though. Really loud... They continually were throwing plush balls at me or were falling down and crying till they were done and satisfied with the level of annoyance they could see in my eyes.
Not even the best part.
Jessie, didn't come over at 2. They forgot to tell her. Granted, I thought my sister might be able to part herself from her outstanding social life and help me out for an hour, so we agreed to kind of play it by ear... And then neither sides initiated anything. But I was so frustrated. I had to call my mom, and then call my sister, and my sister finally decided that she could come help me, BUT she went to the wrong house. You know how I said that I was going to babysit Emily's kids, but then it was switched the Jeannie's. Yeah, well apparently my sister was never informed of this little switcharoo because she wen to the wrong house. The house that Jessie was at, watching Emily's kids. The girl who was supposed to come and cover for me anyways. But their youngest, Aubre was down for a nap and that would require waking her from the nap and driving all three of those kids over to Jeannie's which I understand could be a hassle, but it's just frustrating because all of this could have been avoided in so many ways if simple and clear communication would have taken place somewhere along the way.
So here I am, waiting for Jessica to show up and I'm waiting there, standing there for like an hour to walk across the street and get ready for work. I've had no shower, no chance to even brush my teeth. Gross right? Well yeah, this is where it gets ugly. She doesn't show up till 2:45... And I have to drive about 13 minutes to get to work. So I book it out of there, change clothes, throw my hair up, slap a bit of makeup on, and speed to work, crying the whole freaking way there. I know that it was just a complete mix up and that no one is at fault. But I said from the get go that I was going to half to leave by 2. I have a job. I have other obligations. I have things that I have to do, like bathe. I love bathing, and I didn't get to. I felt like I looked like crap at work and it was so embarrassing. Anyways, I was just appalled that no one was considering me and what I needed to do. But I wasn't considerate either was I? Idk...
And then work. Work was pretty hellish in and of itself. I keep thinking that "today is the busiest I've ever been" and then the next day is worse. I had so many transactions today I'm suprised I balanced and batched. But I did. I had this lady yell at me today because I had to put a hold on her check. Yelled and harrassed me for doing my job the correct way and I was so livid. People are so so rude and it makes me mad. I do my best to be nice to people, all the time and I can't get over how people can just dismiss that so easily.
So I've had a really long, hard day right? And I look like crap, right? But I feel the need to go to church anyways. So, I go. Even thought it's already halfway over and Nick is like right in the middle of speaking and I go and get a chair and make a lot of noise. And guess who is there? Guess who decides to show up to church the day that I look like crap? Justin. My very first heartbreak. This is awesome. This is the guy that is engaged, but STILL has a hold on me. Yeah, and then he got up on stage at the end with Kyler and they played a song. Quite well I might add. And he sang harmony. Shoot, really Rachel??? I mean, really? I can't believe that after everything that you guys have been through that you still somehow somewhere care. Yeah, that's right. I care.
Darn my kind spirit. Darn it.
So that was my day.
I'll wait to grip about men till tomorrow because I simply don't have the energy to do it tonight.
I fed up Rachel.
I woke up this morning alone in my grandparents big house because for one, they are out of town and need someone to look after a few things, and for two our electricity went out last night after the hail storm (the same hail storm that beat up my little car, mind you). So, I'm already a bit shaken up, right? I get a text early that morning from my Preachers wife asking if either I or my sister would be avaliable to watch her children from 11-3. So of course, me being the stupid person that I am a lot of the time don't think much of it. I don't really want to watch them, I've got other things to do, but Jessica isn't busy. I'm sure she'll do it. So I make my way slowly into consciousness and go out and feed the horses and brush them and talk to them a little bit. Get in my car and head for home. The time is about 10 now, right? On my way home I get ahold of Jessica and, wait, what?? She doesn't want to babysit??? Oh okay, well I guess that leaves me. But I have to be at work at 3, I can't stay till 3. Just can't. So I call Emily and give her the gist of things. She tells me that I can watch Jeannies girls (Jeannie being Emily's sister) ainstead because they are both going somewhere and I live right next door to them. But she needs me to be there 30 minutes earlier now... Which is 30 minutes from now. I haven't had a shower yet, or eaten anything and I'm still trying to get home! She does tell me that Jessie can probably come over at around 2 so I can leave and have plenty of time to get to work so I'm not worried about that anymore.
Alright so I get home and my mom is there and she just starts talking up a storm as always, not thinking anything of it. (And I wonder where I get it...) And then all of a sudden, I only have 10 minutes to do anything I need to do before I have to be over there. Alright, well if I'm going to be home by 2, that'll give me enough time to shower before work and stuff right? I mean, I'm right next door. So I decide to make myself some breakfast instead. Good decision.... I make an egg sandwich and a cup of coffee and take it over there with me because I don't even have time to eat it at home. So I walk over there and the day really gets kicked into gear. These kids are precious. I love them a lot. (: but I tell you what, they were a hand full. The oldest, is still pretty young and she was playing sick. She was really sick the day before but she was just recovering today. However, she laid on the couch. All. Day. And made me do EVERYTHING for her. She talked me into letting her have two popsicles and I took her temperature three times. They all said 98 degrees... She didn't like anything I cooked for her because it wasn't how her mom did it so it couldn't be right. And she watched a terrible puppety version of Dr. Suess all day. The younger two were super cute though. Really loud... They continually were throwing plush balls at me or were falling down and crying till they were done and satisfied with the level of annoyance they could see in my eyes.
Not even the best part.
Jessie, didn't come over at 2. They forgot to tell her. Granted, I thought my sister might be able to part herself from her outstanding social life and help me out for an hour, so we agreed to kind of play it by ear... And then neither sides initiated anything. But I was so frustrated. I had to call my mom, and then call my sister, and my sister finally decided that she could come help me, BUT she went to the wrong house. You know how I said that I was going to babysit Emily's kids, but then it was switched the Jeannie's. Yeah, well apparently my sister was never informed of this little switcharoo because she wen to the wrong house. The house that Jessie was at, watching Emily's kids. The girl who was supposed to come and cover for me anyways. But their youngest, Aubre was down for a nap and that would require waking her from the nap and driving all three of those kids over to Jeannie's which I understand could be a hassle, but it's just frustrating because all of this could have been avoided in so many ways if simple and clear communication would have taken place somewhere along the way.
So here I am, waiting for Jessica to show up and I'm waiting there, standing there for like an hour to walk across the street and get ready for work. I've had no shower, no chance to even brush my teeth. Gross right? Well yeah, this is where it gets ugly. She doesn't show up till 2:45... And I have to drive about 13 minutes to get to work. So I book it out of there, change clothes, throw my hair up, slap a bit of makeup on, and speed to work, crying the whole freaking way there. I know that it was just a complete mix up and that no one is at fault. But I said from the get go that I was going to half to leave by 2. I have a job. I have other obligations. I have things that I have to do, like bathe. I love bathing, and I didn't get to. I felt like I looked like crap at work and it was so embarrassing. Anyways, I was just appalled that no one was considering me and what I needed to do. But I wasn't considerate either was I? Idk...
And then work. Work was pretty hellish in and of itself. I keep thinking that "today is the busiest I've ever been" and then the next day is worse. I had so many transactions today I'm suprised I balanced and batched. But I did. I had this lady yell at me today because I had to put a hold on her check. Yelled and harrassed me for doing my job the correct way and I was so livid. People are so so rude and it makes me mad. I do my best to be nice to people, all the time and I can't get over how people can just dismiss that so easily.
So I've had a really long, hard day right? And I look like crap, right? But I feel the need to go to church anyways. So, I go. Even thought it's already halfway over and Nick is like right in the middle of speaking and I go and get a chair and make a lot of noise. And guess who is there? Guess who decides to show up to church the day that I look like crap? Justin. My very first heartbreak. This is awesome. This is the guy that is engaged, but STILL has a hold on me. Yeah, and then he got up on stage at the end with Kyler and they played a song. Quite well I might add. And he sang harmony. Shoot, really Rachel??? I mean, really? I can't believe that after everything that you guys have been through that you still somehow somewhere care. Yeah, that's right. I care.
Darn my kind spirit. Darn it.
So that was my day.
I'll wait to grip about men till tomorrow because I simply don't have the energy to do it tonight.
I fed up Rachel.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
This is the same thing I tell everyone else about life... So why can't I take my own advise??
I am happily single. I am, I am happy about it. That is what I've decided. Because afterall, happiness is a choice, is it not? So, right here and now, I'm going to choose to be happy about it. And logically, I really should be happy about it anyways. Why would I want to be with someone right now? I'm about to enter my senior year of high school. NO, WAIT!!!! I AM in my senior year of high school. It's my last year as a school girl... Lol and I have so much to learn, so many areas to grow in. Also, I need to heal. It's been over 5 months since I broke up with Logan and I know that there are still healing wounds all over my body.
Some of these wounds are from before him, wounds that I never gave the time they needed to heal. So, now, I'm going to heal. I'm going to get over the complex I have towards Justin, then I'm going to realize that no matter how much I truly loved Bryce and no matter how amazing he is, he's not right for me, he's just not. Then, then I'm going to forgive myself for giving myself away to a complete idiot. And finally, I'm going to patch up my need for the attention of men. I have stooped to ugly places to find it, and I'm going to find out why, and then I'm going to get over that aswell.
Because I want myself a prince dang it!!!!!! And if I expect to find one one day, then I need to start acting like the princess that I am. I am a child of the Lord, and I couldn't ask for a deeper and more special kind of a love than that. Why would I want to date a guy again? It's not because of a physical need, nor is it because of a spiritual need. Both bases are covered. Maybe it's the combination of the two things that I want. Yep, that's it. However, I know I need to wait. Hence, why God hasn't brought anyone into my life. I need to heal, and I need to find my roots and my foundation in Christ and buckle down. I need to dive a little deeper into the heart of God. And that's a beautiful place to be... (:
The trick is just to remember that no matter how much my flesh would love to have someone make me feel special and give me the attention that I crave so much, I have grown too dependant on that. This is not good... AT ALL. My God offers me the sweetest and most passionate love that I could ever hope for. His attention and affection is the only reason I'm still standing here. The only reason that I am who I am, the only reason I'm still alive. I have found more passion, more purpose, more life, more power, more peace, more healing, and more love in God than anywhere or anything else in the world. So why is it so hard for me to rest in His spirit. Why can't I just stay there and grow in Him? I can, I know I can. But I choose not to, my flesh is strong. It's been excersized more than my spirit for the Lord I believe... And THAT is why things are going to change in my life. That's why they need to. I have to find myself in Christ. It's not something I want to happen, though I do, it's something that needs to happen.
Signed, I determined and excited
Rach <3
Some of these wounds are from before him, wounds that I never gave the time they needed to heal. So, now, I'm going to heal. I'm going to get over the complex I have towards Justin, then I'm going to realize that no matter how much I truly loved Bryce and no matter how amazing he is, he's not right for me, he's just not. Then, then I'm going to forgive myself for giving myself away to a complete idiot. And finally, I'm going to patch up my need for the attention of men. I have stooped to ugly places to find it, and I'm going to find out why, and then I'm going to get over that aswell.
Because I want myself a prince dang it!!!!!! And if I expect to find one one day, then I need to start acting like the princess that I am. I am a child of the Lord, and I couldn't ask for a deeper and more special kind of a love than that. Why would I want to date a guy again? It's not because of a physical need, nor is it because of a spiritual need. Both bases are covered. Maybe it's the combination of the two things that I want. Yep, that's it. However, I know I need to wait. Hence, why God hasn't brought anyone into my life. I need to heal, and I need to find my roots and my foundation in Christ and buckle down. I need to dive a little deeper into the heart of God. And that's a beautiful place to be... (:
The trick is just to remember that no matter how much my flesh would love to have someone make me feel special and give me the attention that I crave so much, I have grown too dependant on that. This is not good... AT ALL. My God offers me the sweetest and most passionate love that I could ever hope for. His attention and affection is the only reason I'm still standing here. The only reason that I am who I am, the only reason I'm still alive. I have found more passion, more purpose, more life, more power, more peace, more healing, and more love in God than anywhere or anything else in the world. So why is it so hard for me to rest in His spirit. Why can't I just stay there and grow in Him? I can, I know I can. But I choose not to, my flesh is strong. It's been excersized more than my spirit for the Lord I believe... And THAT is why things are going to change in my life. That's why they need to. I have to find myself in Christ. It's not something I want to happen, though I do, it's something that needs to happen.
Signed, I determined and excited
Rach <3
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
So I'm In Duncan
And I'm loving all this time that I've been getting to spend with my best friend. Especially now, because I've gotten to stare at her incredibly sexy brother all evening... If only he talked to me or something. Anyways, today has been good. I've been on my laptop alllllllllllllllllllllll day. Seriously, it's been awesome. I'm making a new playlist for this year, and it's going to incredible. It's far past due. Ideas? Yeah, okay. So I've officially decided that I can't blog in front of other people because my train of thought it CONSTANTLY obliterated. Lol and I have other things in front of me to drool over at the moment.....
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Bye ((((;
Love, Rachel Ann <3
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Bye ((((;
Love, Rachel Ann <3
Monday, June 6, 2011
R.I.P. Molly Ann Madden
You were very loved dear girl... And I know we had our differences and I always had a really hard time trusting you for some reason, but I loved you immensely. You were a fighter and beautiful at the same time. You were tough and sweet. You cared about EVERYONE. You cared about those that I could never bring myself to, but you would have faught anyone you needed to at the same time. You were one of the bravest people I'd ever met and I will miss you. I will miss getting to spend my senior year with you and getting to grow closer to you again. I know that I did things to distance you from me, and for all that I know you knew I was sorry. Things would have always been a bit different between us, but with time, we would have been close again... I hate how things ended between us. I would have loved to have had another year with you... Loved to have had more time to make things right. I know that eventually I will have peace about this situation, because after all I will see you again one of these days, and I know that where you are is not a place of sadness or of hard feelings. I know that you have no room to harbor any bitterness towards me where you are now, and that even while you were here, you found room in that huge heart of yours to forgive me and love me again. I will never forget your laugh. I will never forget your smile. Your livelihood. Your compassion. I will never forget that look you gave me, or what you said the last time you saw me. You looked at me with sympathetic eyes that said everything was going to be alright and that you loved me, and then you smiled and said, "Have a wonderful summer, Rachel." (:
That was our parting goodbye, and I'm satisfied with that, really. But I will miss you. There will be a whole in my senior year where you should have been, and I can't change that. I love you, and am happy for you that you got to go home and that you don't have to expirence this place anymore because I know you are in a much, much better place... Save me a good seat, will ya?
</3 Rachel Ann </3
That was our parting goodbye, and I'm satisfied with that, really. But I will miss you. There will be a whole in my senior year where you should have been, and I can't change that. I love you, and am happy for you that you got to go home and that you don't have to expirence this place anymore because I know you are in a much, much better place... Save me a good seat, will ya?
</3 Rachel Ann </3
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